When I looked in my closet the other day, I got to thinking about all the fun outfits I have that I don’t have an occasion for which I can wear them in the foreseeable future. In the past, I’d sigh and say to myself, “someday…someday.” Well today was someday and that someday was all in one day.
First on the docket was to pick out the outfits–easy enough since I’d been lusting after them every time I open my closet. Second–hair, makeup, and–to go all out–nails. That alone should tell you how serious I was on this mission since my nails are generally off limits. Third–tunes. You absolutely cannot have a runway shoot OR even prep for one without some rockin’ tunes. For the record, “Walk Like an Egyptian” will elicit the best facial expressions when you’re strutting the clubbing outfit. And “Moondance” really gets you ready for a grownup evening out. None of which were happening tonight–well, at least not outside of my bedroom–but they were essential to the final outcome.
What follows is the all-season fashion line of Destiny!’s closet for a full runway look, from work-wear to working girl wear. Because, fuck it, at least I can say I wore it once.
P.S. If any George Clooney look-alikes or rugged artsy creative types stop by and say, “Hey–I’ll take you for a spin in that black dress” or “I’d be glad to help you out of that pink satiny club top…” well, what the hell are you waiting for?? I’m easy to find…and if you’re the right guy, I just might be easy too. 😛

THE TRANSITION INTO MODEL MODE

Destiny!’s workwear, which she can be found sporting on her mommy work and writing work days alike, is creative casual. She’s wearing her favorite Lucky Brand jeans, a black fleece hoodie that is a throwback to her 7th grade black jersey hoodie that she wore for a week straight because it exactly matched one worn by Donnie Wahlberg that appeared twice in BOP magazine. Such devotion carries through even today in her artistic endeavors (Lucky Jeans are surprising resilient!). Devotion is different than obsession, my friends. Remember that. This example of a workday outfit would not be complete without mentioning the fabulous footwear. Her feet-in-the-fire Chucks are swapped frequently with her fave pair of brown Skechers, depending on the color of top she’s wearing. Casual but coordinating…mostly.

Hot rollers, glasses (my contacts were taking their cooling off day), and a paint-job, both on the face and on the hands, the day that I go grungy is, of course, the day I decide to become a supermodel. I like nothing if not a challenge. So I brought it.

I CAN PASS FOR 26, RIGHT?

DKNY jeans and pink satiny top of unknown material because the tag is wash-worn courtesy of my sister, Lacey, who is way hipper than I and might have on occasion worn said outfit. Multi-colored, multi-purpose earrings are in heavy rotation because they are me–all shades of me.

Kickass pink 4+ inch platforms were bought by my mom upon my divorce in the hopes that I might go out and whore myself on a dance floor. I still have time to fulfill that dream, Mom. Don’t give up hope yet. For the record, I damn near fell out of the window trying to get a picture of these kickin’ shoes. Appreciate.

NB: Outfit could also be worn to a concert at an outdoor venue such as, say, Riverbend. Ahem.

THREE BLACK DRESSES FOR THREE SHADES OF WOMAN (WHITE, WHITER, AND WASP)

THE COUGAR

Bought in time for my trip to Vegas last summer. I tried to wear this for a fancy dinner with Jolie at the Excalibur, who wrinkled her nose and said, “Um, no, Mom. I hate that dress.” To be fair, on the hanger it does look like something a woman 15 years older than me might wear to pick up an adolescent boyfriend. But I have a thing for dresses with sexy backs, so this made the cut. And now I have no idea what to do with it unless I plan to go to a PTA evening fundraiser with a bunch of 40-something moms seeking to recapture their early-thirties and, well, I just snorted my sparkling clementine Izze through my nose at the thought of me attending such an event. So it’ll go back in the closet…until I’m in my 40’s at least.

THE NOT-SO-MUCH-OF-A-STRETCH SLUTTY ENSEMBLE

At the right event, this could pass for just plain sexy. On Las Vegas Boulevard, however, it has an entirely different effect. I damn near got in a lot of trouble in this frock–my boob popped out on the dance floor as I got spun around in a vodka-induced haze, and, as I trekked my way back to my hotel (in aforementioned pink platforms), I was very nearly accosted by an admittedly handsome, albeit just a touch too forward for me, dude who begged me to go up to his room with him. Many friends were disappointed that I declined. Alas, better times are ahead…this dress is totally coming out of retirement when I hit Sin City again.

 

And that just means that the morning after shot could look a little like this…

Red stilletos last seen on Cincy streets after a night salsa dancing at the Mad Hatter in 2003.

CLASSY LASSY

I love this dress. Again pilfered from Lacey’s closet. Elegant…not a pearls and cocktail party kind of thing, but a perfect outfit for an evening at the theater or to wear to a short-film awards show, as evidenced by my emotional acceptance of the “I only have lotion to substitute for a trophy” award for best Friday evening in-home runway show of March in Loveland.

And even though I can look classy and elegant, you’d be wise not to forget that I can still put you in a sleeper hold.

Fancy silver shoes courtesy of cousin Nanee’s DSW gift certificate that totally covered this blue-stickered 70% off pair of $9 shoes. Earrings from the Karri Aston, nee Karri Boyer, collection, who lent them to me for SDD in 1999 from which they were never returned. Thanks, Karri.

THE REQUISITE BOUDOIR

What high-fashion event would be complete without a peek into the lady’s bedroom. My budget doesn’t allow for Vicky’s Million Dollar Diamond bra and my mostly lax modesty is overruled by the thought of mortifying my children, so a simple robe by Macy’s will have to suffice to fulfill your titillation needs. And these may or may not be underneath.

Thigh high leather boots also from DSW. Because who can pass up a blue sticker even if you have no idea when you’ll wear them??? Besides, these suckers have allowed me to pose as a slutty bride, a slutty bee, and now…well…I like this shot, so it’s not slutty, but still…the boots.

THE REAL DEAL

It seems to me that the one thing missing from the fashion industry is a “real deal closer.” After all the feathered headpieces and science-fiction type outfits, wouldn’t it be great to see the models walk out in what they wore to the event? So this isn’t exactly what I wore before I hit the stage of my stained bedroom carpet, but it’s what I might wear on a date or just out to hear a local band in the hopes that previously wished-for artsy, creative type might be in attendance. American Eagle, Target, and DSW…if it’s not bought second-hand, then that about sums me up.

Attempts to show off the shoes failed, but it’s for the best–you’d be jealous and I already have issues sleeping alone, I don’t need a bunch of potential shoe thieves fucking with my head. They’re cammo flats with gold tips. Told ya.

THE DECLINE

Yeah, I’m dedicated, but I’m not taking a picture of me in my yoga pants and tank just to show the complete circle. Besides, how do you know I’m not actually in that black robe? I suppose that would be a little strange at Starbucks…

And Destiny! is back to normal…ha.

Nail polish had to bite it…it’s not me and I’d be picking at it. Besides, I have a date with a handgun on Sunday…pink prissy is not what I’m going for as I tear down the walls against the gun industry that I’ve had in place for 30+ years…

CREDITS

Wardrobe by Destiny!
Makeup by Destiny! (with a minor raid on Lacey’s stash of Mary Kay samples)
Hair by Destiny!
Nails by Destiny!
Play-by-play by Destiny!
Music by Destiny!’s iTunes and 103.5, which included such awesomely appropriate hits as “Groovin'” (“We can be anything we’d like to be…”), Boston (“I understand about indecision…”), Carole King (“I feel the earth move under my feet” as I wore my pink platforms), and American Juniors (“Do ya love me, now that I can dance…”) for a most excellent finale as I uploaded pictures.

Thanks for attending. I love you all, some more than others.