Living close to the ground

Is seventh Heaven ’cause there are angels all around

Among my frivolous thoughts

I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts

Wake me if you’re out there.

–Owl City

So here’s the thing about being a blogger like me…one who opens her heart and discloses the inner goings-on of her mind and soul…there’s a lot of risk involved, but I think it creates a more transparent and honest experience for my readers. Unfortunately, at times I can also get burned when shitty things happen. And I could choose to ignore them—to sweep things under the rug as if they never happened—or I could address them and then move on.

My most recent relationship, if one could call it that, has failed. And that freaking sucks. We had a grand old time while it lasted, but I’ve come to realize that it was more of an infatuation than anything. I have a tendency to do that—to fall head over heels for a man’s poetry and beautiful words, to convince myself that we were two lost souls who managed to find our ways into each other’s arms in this chaotic world in which we live—and yet my track record for that kind of love is pretty crappy. Downright awful if you want to be truthful.

Now, I have waxed poetic before about the idea of true love and soul mates and love at first sight. But I really don’t know what all of that means right now. I mean, I’m not wallowing…I’m not pissed…I am slightly annoyed that we didn’t even have a decent goodbye, just an unreturned email and text, but I have once again found myself pondering how a real relationship—one that lasts for the ages—begins.

My therapist Poppy has told me time and time again that it starts with a good friendship. “Try not to rush things,” she reminds me every time we talk. “I promise you…the longer you go as being friends, the more you establish yourselves as a strong couple. And, trust me, the sex is even better when you choose to become a couple.” I love that she is approaching me from the angle of one who has also experienced a failed marriage and now has a lifelong partner outside of the confines of marriage—something that is very appealing to me as I consider my relationship options in the future.

I am certain she is right. I just don’t know how to slow my impulsive side down. Will I find that guy and fall into friendship first? I mean, do you see someone, say, “Gee, he looks like he could be my bestie…” and then go for it? And how does this relate when so many relationships start on internet dating sites?

And I don’t even want to get into the idea of dating where my children are involved. Fortunately I’ve remained friends with most of my exes (at least as far as their memories are concerned), but their little hearts are something I have to consider as well. Especially as they are getting to an age where they can see right through the “Mommy’s friend” name game and can call me out on it.

So I sit here wondering…hoping again that there is a greater plan and that my heart will once again be captured, but perhaps in a different way next time. However it does happen, no matter the consequences, I will take you, my friends, on the ride with me, for the man who loves me will also love my friends. After all, isn’t that the way it should be?

I love you all, some more than others.