writing

You’d Be Prettier If You Smiled

This is my entry into the NYC Midnight Rhyming Story Challenge. The parameters were 600 words max, Genre: Action/Adventure, Theme: Hunger, Emotion: Infuriated. Let me know what you think in the comments.

It was a day like no other,

It started out shitty

When the barista said

Smile more, you’d be pretty. 

So I gave him the finger,

Stomped away in a huff.

Left without breakfast and coffee,

Hoping a tic tac would be enough

To get me through to lunch

Or maybe a snack.

What was this? Construction ahead

Please cut me some slack. 

So I turn down an alley,

A shortcut to work,

When a pack of dogs confronts me

All going berserk. 

I use my only superpower 

Calming techniques through DBT.

The dogs start to back down

They can feel my energy. 

I make it to my desk

With five minutes to spare.

I ask my cubicle mate

If she’s got a granola bar to share.

“Nothing for you,” she says. 

Oh, don’t be such a twat. 

I just asked for a snack

That’s not really a lot. 

That canine confrontation sapped me

I can feel my temper rise. 

What I wouldn’t give for a donut 

Or hell a burger and fries. 

Then it hits me, 

Alleluia, I am saved.

My emergency quarters

In my desk for a rainy day.

To the snack machine I go

Clutching my quarters tight.

The Funyuns and Cheezits beckon,

They are such a beautiful sight. 

Motherfucker no. 

This isn’t happening to me. 

The bag is stuck in the coil.

Dear Satan let me be. 

I shake the machine

Then lean my head and cry. 

I think it’ll be easier 

If I lie here and die. 

Limited PTO

Gets my butt back to my desk.

I’ll have to trudge through 

I can only try my best. 

I pull up a file

And start the pre-edits.

The words run together

My stomach gives me fits.

Somehow I manage 

Over the next three hours

To beat back the belly demons

Though I can still feel their glowers.

11:30 hits,

This bitch is out

Lunchtime fuckers

Let the hungry child out. 

Move it, dude, 

You’re moving so slow

Tie your shoes elsewhere 

I’m a woman on the go. 

I get to my favorite haunt 

Without much of a fuss.

The tide is turning my way

I hope, I pray, I trust. 

Much to my horror

I see the handwritten note:

The fryer is down, 

No food today, no hope. 

And then I feel it rising 

From my gut to my cheeks,

Anger so deep

It’s been simmering for weeks.

In the blink of an eye

My head just popped

Brains and goo all over 

That poor falafel shop. 

Official cause of death

Temper tantrum caused by hanger

A leading cause in young women 

A fatal unspoken danger. 

So, you see, St Pete

There’s no way I’d be dead

If that asshole barista

Had given me my breakfast instead. 

I stand before you

A victim of circumstance.

Please let me into heaven.

Please take a chance.

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Kids Chime In Edition

  1. I broke my New Year’s resolution and missed 2 weeks of SSFS. I am not to be deterred, however, and am picking up where I left off.
  2. The kids have decided to help me with this week’s SSFS, which eases the burden of coming back from a break.
  3. Sometimes a waffle is just a holy pancake—-Jolie, philosophically.
  4. This game is bullcrap!—Paisley upon realizing she had Zero pie pieces to my and Jolie’s 5 a piece in Trivial Pursuit Family Edition.
  5. Isn’t Kenya a singer?—Paisley, confusing Enya with the Geography question.
  6. Keemstar is weird.—My strange little boy Rhett’s contribution to the list.
  7. And we’ll end with another Paisley-ism. “Mom–notice anything different about me?” as she presented herself before me after a trip to the bathroom. I scanned for any trace of makeup or perfume and then said, “Give me a hint.” She said, “Nothing is different. I just wanted to trick ya.” So there.

I love you all, some more than others.

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Blank Space Edition

  1. I might have to make this Seven Sentences for Monday since that seems to be the only day I remember to do them.
  2. I am really regretting not taking the kids to the women’s march in Cincinnati on Saturday–I think witnessing and taking part in a peaceful protest would have been good for them, and me. Alas, I played chauffeur for Jolie and a friend to the movies instead. Missed opportunities.
  3. Adam and I took “before” pictures and measurements today for DDP Yoga. It’s ridiculous how inflexible I am. I am looking forward to seeing my progress after a month.
  4. I have had Fitz and the Tantrums’ “Roll Up” looping in my head–it’s a ridiculously fun song but I know exactly none of the words, which makes it difficult to sing along.
  5. While selling Girl Scout cookies with Paisley yesterday an approximately 95 year old man answered the door wearing an adult diaper and a robe that was completely open. After we left (he didn’t buy anything) Paisley looked at me and said, “Mom, I think I’m scarred for life.” I don’t blame her.
  6. Aziz Ansari was amazing on SNL. His monologue was on point and his acting in the sketches was awesome. I’m looking forward to Master of None coming back to Netflix.
  7. After selling cookies in 63 degree weather on Sunday, I am ready for spring. So is Paisley as she skipped along the sidewalk singing, “I am ready for spring….” Alas, the weather calls for 30 degree temperatures over the next week, so we are still in winter mode for a while. Boo.

I love you all, some more than others.

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Shh, It’s Monday Edition

  1. I feel like I was suddenly thrust into adulthood this past week when we plunked down $12K for a new HVAC system because our last one was a fire hazard—thank goodness for 60 months same as cash. Practically like buying a car!
  2. I took the kids and Jolie’s friend, Ava, to see Sing! on Tuesday before school started back. A welcome relief from the stressors of school.
  3. Jolie is on restriction from her electronics for the rest of the month—this hurts me more than it hurts her, I think. Or at least as much so.
  4. I totally meant to sit down and write yesterday but the rush of three kids smothering me with hugs and kisses got in the way and I forgot. At least I’m my own editor and can only chastise myself so much before shrugging it off and writing on Monday instead.
  5. Switching meds again is no fun, but at least this time wasn’t met with ridiculous weight gain like the other times.
  6. The med switch does have me hearing the crackles and pops of the Universe in a whole new way–it’s comforting.
  7. It’s snowed, which means I am officially done with winter now and spring can come soon. How am I going to make it through the next two months???

I love you all, some more than others!

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Welcome 2017 Edition

  1. How lucky for me that the first day of the new year falls on a Sunday–perfect for me to start up my Seven Sentences again under the guise of a new year, new me.
  2. Adam and I celebrated the new year in style–NYE we had filet mignon and lobster tails with apple tartlets a la mode for dessert. We watched the ball drop and kissed at midnight–I rolled over and was asleep by 12:02.
  3. I would like to read more in 2017. Reading physics all day spoils a good fiction for me when I’m off the clock.
  4. I would also like to write more, though I’m unsure if I still have it…so I’m starting with Seven Sentences.
  5. We started the new year off right this afternoon by trekking down to Paul Brown stadium and watching the Bengals beat the Ravens 27-10.
  6. As a follow up to #5, I would like to get out of the house more in 2017, mid-distance adventures, and at least one adventure where I have to take an airplane are on my list.
  7. Adam and I have started watching My Name is Earl. I missed this little gem the first go round—thanks to Netflix I can wrestle with karma in between trips to the universe.

I love you all, some more than others……..

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Anxious Annie Edition

  1. Adam and I completed our first 5K together yesterday in honor of suicide prevention. Such a worthy cause and such and incredibly fun workout. We held hands the entire way and had some great conversation. And now we already want to do another one again soon.
  2. I gained 0.2 pounds this week. Not bad considering I didn’t hit the gym once, but I still need to get my butt in gear and get those numbers going in the opposite direction.
  3. The closer we get to closing on our house, the more nervous I get that something is going to come along and screw it all up. I am trying to remain positive, but this anxiety is getting the best of me.
  4. Adam got a job where he has to work outside of the house. This seems like a silly point for most, but we have worked side by side at home for the past 20 months, so it’s going to take some getting used to. I’m incredibly proud of him for following his passion, though.
  5. I am looking forward to working out this week with my new gym partner—my 12 year old daughter Jolie Bean. Maybe I can instill the love of exercise with her at an early age since it seems to have bypassed me.
  6. Rhett is looking for a new book series to read. He is finishing Percy Jackson and couldn’t get into the Lord of the Rings that I bought him. Maybe another Rick Riordan? Narnia? Or Lemony Snicket? Suggestions?
  7. Every year there comes a time—and it’s never predictable when it is—when work is slow. I am lucky to get an article a day. That time has been this past week, which has only made my nerves worse because I have nothing to focus on but the creeping negative thoughts. But I keep fighting the good fight.

I love you all, some more than others.

Seven Sentences for Sunday: The Fed Up Edition

  1. Hairballs are disgusting; I am glad I have Adam to clean them.
  2. I must remember that losing weight is a journey not a sprint. I am 7 weeks in, 7 lbs down and already fed up with how slow this is happening.
  3. I had a mini breakdown yesterday due to lack of motivation for working out. But as a good friend says, those days are going to happen, it’s how you handle them and then crush your goals despite them.
  4. I might be looking to bootcamp again. I think I miss the camaraderie and the accountability.
  5. Any bootcamping will have to be done after June 1 because we will be moving before then.
  6. That’s right, we got approved, put an offer on a house, it was countered, then I accepted. Closing is May 16, which means I only have 36 more days of nerves to deal with.
  7. I want to go to the first day of Bunbury so bad: The Killers, The Mowgli’s, Red Wanting Blue. Now I just have to find a sitter for 12 hours.

I love you all, some more than others.

Oh, Fine, I’ll Keep Keepin’ On

Last week I came clean and discussed my struggles with my weight. While I don’t intend for this to become a weight loss blog per se, I am going to use it to document my journey and all the ups and downs along the way. And this week there were ups. I gained 0.8 pounds at my weigh-in this week and I was dismayed to say the least. I wanted to reach for the nearest box of Tagalongs or Samoas that I have thus far resisted because, fuck it, if I’m gonna gain, I at least want a reason! My meeting coach did a good job of talking me down, and I sat down for the meeting frustrated and vowing to go even lower on my points this week. Continue reading →

A Weighty Issue

It’s no secret to those who have grown up with me that I’ve always struggled with my weight. Both my parents have weight problems and the apple does not fall far from that tree in this house. I was never the skinny cheerleader—my soccer thighs precluded me from splits and handsprings. In my adult years, back to back to back pregnancies took their toll as three little ones entered my life. After my youngest was born, I was bound and determined to lose the baby weight once and for all and found great success with Drs. Chris and Kara Mohr with their nutrition wisdom and kickass fitness bootcamps. I shed my baby weight and then some and weighed less than I did in 8th grade. And then my divorce happened. And after that a mental breakdown. Six years later, multiple medication changes for meds that are known to pack on the pounds, and here I am 100, yes that’s triple digits, 100 pounds heavier than I weighed when I was boot camping and crossfitting and paleo-ing my life away. Continue reading →

Falling Ahead

It seems strange to be mulling over summer memories as the leaves are tumbling down and pumpkin spice everything is in full effect. But on this crisp autumn day, that’s exactly what I have found myself doing. I attribute this reminiscing to several things: the fact that today I put away my flip flops after weeks of crunching leaves under open-toes due to my hard headed refusal to accept autumn and the necessity for full tootsie covering footwear. See you in April, I sigh, lacing up my trusty gym shoes to walk down memory lane of warm sunny days of yore. It does not bode well for me and my tendency toward seasonal depression that Halloween hasn’t hit yet and already I am in full winter hibernation mode. This dwelling on summer fun could also be attributed to the fact that it was, indeed, the Golden Summer of 2015. Continue reading →